As a child, often our worries are about who we will play with at recess or what toys we will be getting for our birthdays, grief typically isn’t on our minds. However, when you have a significant death at a young age, you go down this long path of life events without your person present. My mom died the summer I was entering junior high when I was just 12 years old. As if junior high wasn’t already a tough age, I was now having to learn how to navigate grief and all the future life events that my mom would not be a part of, such as getting my license, high school graduation, college graduation, my wedding, the birth of my first child…the list goes on and on. It’s not just the big life events but also the day-to-day things that you want to call and tell your person.
I’m sure many of us have heard the phrase that “grief comes in waves” and there is so much truth in that statement. Looking back at my teenage years and early young adulthood, I see times where I felt as good as I possibly could (considering the circumstances) and other times where I felt like I was crashing and burning making it hard to even get out of bed at times. I would love it if the 5 Stages of Grief were truly linear and once you hit Stage 5 Acceptance then your grief just went away, however, those of us who are grieving a loved one’s death know this is not the case.
Many times, we wish we could just go back to our normal lives and not have to endure the roller-coaster emotions of grief. However, because we love someone that is no longer physically here on this earth, we must learn how to cope with grief and manage a new life without our person. I have heard many times and experienced it myself that some days just getting out of bed is hard enough and it’s true! On my worst days when I get out of bed and even brush my teeth, I must remind myself what a huge accomplishment that is –something all grievers should do—be proud of the little and big steps.
There are many individuals and things that have helped me from adolescence into adulthood with my grief journey. I hope someone can relate or even learn a new idea since there’s no road map for grief. I was very lucky to have family support. Being able to talk with my dad, sister, grandma, and aunt about my mom and how I was feeling was important. I also cannot thank SandCastles enough for the support it gave me from 2009-2011.
I attended program for a year and camp twice. The skills I learned are irreplaceable and I use them daily. I often find myself talking to my mom in my head or maybe even talking to her out loud as I’m driving. Nothing will ever compare to being able to talk with her, hear her, and receive her wise wisdom in person but I know I always have her and our memories cherished in my heart. Another thing that has helped is pets…it may seem silly but my childhood dog Toby, that my mom brought home when I was in the 2nd grade, lived until a few days after my wedding. He was one of my biggest supporters!
For the big events, being a planner, I always thought ahead on how I might incorporate my mom on big days. For my graduation, I decorated my cap in memory of her. If it wasn’t for my mom’s kindness, beautiful soul, and spunkiness, along with everything I went through with my grief journey, I really don’t know where I would be today. For my wedding day, I incorporated my mom in many ways including taking flowers to the cemetery, having butterfly cutouts in my bouquet, and having her picture displayed at my reception. Now my most recent heartache is not having her present for my first child…and I am still brainstorming how to incorporate her into this. There is no right or wrong way to experience these “big days.” In fact, I find that many times it is the days leading up to or just after a big day that tend to be more emotional than the actual day itself.
If you are raising a child or teen who is grieving, start by giving yourself a pat on the back. It is difficult enough raising a child, let alone watching someone you love have to endure a difficult journey.
If you are a child or teen grieving and you think about these future events… know you are seen. Take care of yourself the days before, during, and after these big events, and plan what you are going to do, if possible. This can look different for everyone regarding self-care and major life events. Do what feels best for you!
At the end of the day, no one prepares us for how to overcome every obstacle in life, let alone one of the biggest ones, grief, so take care of yourself and each other. Reach out if you are in need. Share ideas and learn from others. We are on this grief journey together.
Written by Leah Bengel, current SandCastles Team Member and former program participant