A question we are asked a lot at SandCastles is one that can be really difficult for many grieving caregivers to answer: How do I tell my child that someone they love has died? And I think this is difficult for 2 reasons… for one, it can be hard to talk about a death right after it’s occurred, as that fresh grief can bring up so many emotions. This also can be a difficult discussion to have because in talking with our children about death, we don’t always know what to say.
At SandCastles, we like to help families experiencing a death by using our “3 Very’s” model of talking about how someone has died. This model talks about how when someone dies, their body stops working for one of three reasons:
- They were very, very, very sick
- They were very, very, very old
- They were very, very, very hurt
And this model is great for talking about most reasons that people die in a simple way that children can understand. When someone dies because they are very, very, very sick, it can help a young child to learn and understand the difference between their loved one dying of a terminal illness and the child getting sick with a cold. While this model does a great job of helping adults talk with children about most causes of death, there are still some that are a little more complicated to share with a young child, including suicide.
When someone we love dies by suicide and we are tasked with telling our children or teens the news, it is an incredibly difficult task. There’s a book by Linda Goldman called “Breaking the Silence” that talks about helping children with grief related to suicide, homicide, violence, and abuse. In that book, Goldman shares some great language for talking about suicide. “Suicide is when people decide they do not want their body to work anymore, and they stop their body from working.” You can tie our “3 Very’s” method into this by diving a little deeper and sharing that when someone dies by suicide they are so, so, so sad or so, so, so depressed that the only way the person believes they can end their pain is to end their life. They forget they can get help and that there is always another way.
It can be scary to talk with your child about suicide, as it may make you wonder if it will “put ideas in their head” or cause them to attempt suicide themselves. The important thing to know about talking about suicide is that it is important. When we can openly share about things like suicide with our children, it helps not only dispel misinformation, but it helps to keep communication open and honest, leaving space for them to ask questions and share their feelings with you. You can even ask your child or teen directly if they have been having any suicidal thoughts, letting them know that they can trust you to help if they are feeling that way now or if they were to feel that way in the future.
If you notice any large changes in your child’s mood, school performance, eating habits, sleep, hygiene, or relationships, it’s probably a good time to check in with them about how they are feeling. If they mention any thoughts of suicide, self-harm, or their death, or they think others will be better off without them, you will want to get help right away. Remind your child that you love and support them and will get them help. Crisis counselors are available 24/7 by calling 988. They can help to put you in touch with emergency services in your area. Not all children who mention suicidal thoughts are in crisis, but you should take all thoughts of suicide seriously. The actions you take will help your child to navigate thoughts of suicide throughout their life.
There are many things that can help in the grief process after a suicide death, an especially important one is joining a support group. This is something that is beneficial for all ages – from young children all the way through adults. A support group helps to normalize the grief experience. It puts you with others who have also experienced the death of a loved one to suicide and allows for sharing, listening, and asking questions with others who understand. If your family is interested in learning more about support groups or about how to talk to children and teens after a death, please reach out to us! We are happy to help.