Tips for Educators & School Personnel with Grieving Students
SandCastles recently hosted an online “When Grief Comes to School” webinar with Melissa Lantto. We offered tips and guidance to educators and other school personnel looking to better support their grieving students. Here, we’ve covered the highlights for those unable to join us.
Where to Start
Childhood bereavement is a critical issue in our community. According to The Childhood Bereavement Estimation Model (CBEM), 1 in 11 Michigan children will experience the death of a parent or sibling before they turn 18. This doesn’t scratch the surface of all of the potential loved ones a child may lose in their youth – cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, and others.
What does this mean for schools?
We know that the average class size in Michigan is 24 students, meaning that each classroom will likely have 2+ students who are grieving. With school days lasting 6+ hours, school personnel must be equipped to support students.
The National Alliance for Children’s Grief (NACG) has published resources like the Individual Student Bereavement Plan. Days after a death, it is difficult for children to return to school and focus on lessons, tests, and peer relationships when grieving. The Individual Student Bereavement Plan covers potential supporting strategies for school staff to consider, like lesson presentation, assignment strategies, school/classroom events, and much more.
Individual Student Bereavement Plan
This NACG resource – most importantly – is a confidential document between the school and the family. It acts as a bridge between the two to talk about what happened, how the child is doing in each setting, and collaboratively monitor, support, and plan for the grieving student.
Some essential items to discuss in the Individual Student Bereavement Plan include:
- Significant dates that may trigger the student
- How the person died (if the family is comfortable sharing)
- Cultural or religious considerations
- The person’s relationship with the student
Melissa Lantto: South Lyon School District School Psychologist
We were so grateful to Melissa Lantto for sharing her incredible insights with us and for shedding light on the fact that the education provided to school personnel doesn’t touch nearly enough on grief in the school systems.
While sharing her professional insights, Melissa shared her experience as a SandCastles family. Just over two years ago, Melissa’s husband died suddenly. Her navigation of life after the loss, with three children in school, and her professional experiences with grieving students give her a unique perspective.
Words and Language Matter…A Lot
Children are sponges, and while it’s important to challenge their thinking and give them the tools to continue developing, abstract concepts can be difficult for them to understand when it comes to death. Phrases like “they are always with you” or “time will heal,” although well-meaning, can be confusing.
What’s most important is repetition – this is why The Individual Student Bereavement Plan is so important. It allows parents/guardians and educators to get on the same page. If the family uses straightforward language, encourages the belief that their loved one has gone to Heaven, or things of that nature, it gives school personnel a clearer idea of how to best support each student. It amplifies the idea that the more communication between family and teachers, the more beneficial the support for the grieving child will be.
Behavioral Changes
As educators, administrators, coaches, and counselors, you may notice behavioral changes in every student as years pass. When these start to appear concerning, or you see noticeable mood changes, focus lapses, or things of the sort, consider what underlying feelings may be causing it. Contact the family to learn if something is happening behind the scenes, like a death.
Most kids haven’t learned healthy coping skills before the first time they lose someone they love. It’s normal to see shifts in a child after a death, and while unhealthy changes should be addressed, normalizing the grief journey and understanding that there is no set timeline for healing is essential.
Grief is not one-size-fits-all. Some kids may pretend everything is perfect, others may internalize, and others may become aggressive. There is no normal or “wrong” way for a child to grieve. When dealing with children, though, these responses can lead to longer-term issues if not addressed. Again, this points to the importance of repetition and teamwork between home life and school.
Easy Accommodations
When supporting a grieving student, consider instilling some simple accommodations and strategies to prepare them for success better. Here are some ideas:
- Come up with a signal that they can share with you when they need a break
- Build a relationship between the child and counselor for them to see when they signal for a break
- Develop a script with families for when children call wanting to come home to encourage them to stay in school
- Discuss projects and assignments that may be triggering ahead of time with students and/or parents
Ultimately, many resources are available to educators and other school staff seeking to better assist their grieving students. If you’d like to watch the entire, in-depth conversation between Peggy and Melissa, we encourage you to do so here.