On Monday, November 13, SandCastles hosted a fireside chat with special guest Jenny Lisk to discuss How to be a Better Grief Ally. As we’ve spent National Children’s Grief Awareness Month committed to learning and growing into more supportive grief allies, we knew Jenny’s insights could benefit our community.
Jenny is the Founder of the Widowed Parent Institute; she’s an award-winning author and widowed mom dedicated to helping widowed parents increase their family’s well-being. Jenny’s books, Future Widow and Widowed Parents Unite, and her show, the Widowed Parent Podcast, guide the journey of solo parenting after loss.
If you missed our online event, we’ve gathered the highlights here.
The Recap
1 in 12 children nationwide will experience the death of a parent or sibling before they turn 18, according to Judi’s House’s CBEM. And that statistic only covers the deaths of parents and siblings – not grandparents, other relatives, friends, etc. Understanding how to support grieving kids is critical in our society to help this staggering percentage of kids learn healthy coping skills rather than bring unhealthy mental health habits into adulthood.
During our online event, Jenny emphasized that it’s much easier to help a young person with grief sooner following a death, as opposed to waiting for those emotions to sit and overtake someone as years pass.
For widowed parents or guardians, after a death, most are left wondering, “How do I go on?” “How does this death not destroy my kids?” “What do I do now?” Most aren’t aware before they have to be that there are resources available to support your family along your grief journey. To be a proactive grief ally, seek out things that can help, like SandCastles or the many resources created by Jenny.
Jenny’s Experience and Learning
When asked, Jenny shared with us that “the most useful thing I’ve learned…is this notion of how important it is to be honest with kids about grief and loss.” She recalled finding out how significant the bond of trust between the surviving parent and the kid(s) is in the children’s ability to develop trusting relationships as their lives continue.
In Jenny’s own life, she recounted a friend expressing to her how important it was for her to be honest with her children following her husband’s glioblastoma diagnosis and knowing that friend was right. This is grief allyship.
What Can Grief Allies Do?
It’s impossible to know exactly what to do or say or how to respond to a loved one who is grieving. But there are simple adjustments we can make daily to support them better than what we often think will be helpful.
For example, saying, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help,” really doesn’t help. It can be overwhelming, and odds are your grieving loved one doesn’t know what they need. And when/if they can figure it out, it leaves them in a position to ask – something many of us are uncomfortable with.
Instead, get specific. Minimize the decision-making process of the person grieving.
- “Can I bring over dinner on Thursday?”
- “Can I pick up your kids from school?”
- “Can I watch your dog for the weekend?”
- “Can I mow your lawn on Saturday?”
- “What are your kids’ favorite foods they aren’t getting right now? Let me bring them some every Wednesday.”
- “I know I live far away, but I will send you a DoorDash gift card tonight.”
- “I’m at a Costco right now. What do you need?”
- “I’m going to the grocery store tomorrow. Send me your list, and I will drop it off on my way home.”
In addition to offering more specific support to the parents and guardians of children dealing with a death, there’s also language that we often deem as comforting and helpful that may not always land that way. Jenny mentioned in our chat,
“Everybody wants to fix the problem, and they can’t fix the problem. They can’t take away the cancer, bring someone back to life with a magic wand, they can’t fix the actual problem.”
This often makes coming up with the right words feel difficult and impossible – leaving many comments unsaid, cards unsent, and support unreceived. In other scenarios, it can prompt you to use language that means well but causes harm. This includes phrases like “at least…” or “everything happens for a reason.”
Instead, Jenny recommends that grief allies take a step back, understand that the problem cannot be fixed, and consider the two P’s: practical and present.
You can help solve practical problems like the examples listed above. To be present, Jenny also urges you to get specific with your chosen supportive language.
- Share a warm memory of the person
- Share a positive, specific trait or characteristic of the person
- Share things in cards or notes that the parent or guardian can save to share with their children eventually
- Saying something short and sweet is better than saying nothing at all and leaving your loved one wondering whether or not you care
- Send cards with special messages and gift cards for little treats
- Send tickets to a movie or show
- Sending a text with a note that says, “No need to respond.”
- Don’t apply pressure to have an extensive conversation
- Do some research to find grief resources, camps, and programs to share with the family
“Don’t get stuck on the idea of saying the perfect thing,” Peggy mentioned. There is no perfect thing to say. Being practical and present is more helpful and necessary than we may realize as grief allies. Understand that we are not in a position to fix the problem, but we are in a position to proactively support others.
For more information on Jenny Lisk, her story, and how to be a better grief ally, visit https://widowedparentinstitute.com/grief-allies.