As schools celebrate the last day of the year, kids and teachers alike are super excited to have a summer break. The thoughts of warm weather, playing outside, and not having homework are on everyone’s mind. That said, this is just a moment to remember the family in grief. Grief does not take a summer vacation….it is around all year and sometimes it flares up in the unexpected.
We know that grieving children can often feel more stable inside a regular structured schedule and school provides that structure. In many ways that is what makes summer fun—you don’t have to get up in the morning, catch the bus, do homework, and at the same time, it can be a bit unnerving for some without that structure. Grieving families can come upon many secondary losses for example, if it was a stay-at-home mom or dad who died—that was the person who last summer may have done all the activities with the kids like going to the pool or the zoo, and so who take that role this summer. There has to be new plans. Do the kids go to daycare? Do they not get to do the neighborhood activities? Does the parent have to find camps to fill the summer and then figure out how to drive them there?
Summertime is filled with events—yes less than the school year, but many significant events—that might be an annual summer vacation at the beach, fourth of July fireworks, trips to the zoo or Cedar Point, or even swim days in the backyard pool when you invite the neighbors over. When someone dies in a family, all of these things can change…and maybe not even happen. These are secondary losses.
Overall summer can be a very trying time for parents, the kids are always there and they’re hot and bored and hungry AND grieving! So, to the grieving parent, I’d say please give yourself grace. Find small moments of fun, ease, or peace in the day, and count the small victories!
To the supporters, we so often hear “I just don’t know what to say or do” Or “I’m afraid to say the wrong thing”. No one wants to make things worse and often there is no making it better. Making it better or fixing it is not the goal, let’s take that off the table. We can’t bring the person back, so it cannot be “fixed.” It can however be helped and supported. So once we take “fixing it” off the table, maybe the goal is–I want you to know I care! That is certainly easier! So say something, text something— “I’m thinking of you” or “I saw this meme thought of you”. Let them know you care.
As we support grieving families, recognize that they are going through many, often unwelcome, changes. It is okay to talk about and if you are a friend or family member, approaching the subject with the parent and asking how you can help could bring great relief to them. Do note that we always follow the lead of the family. I am not here to tell them what to do, but rather to offer support, offer options, or just offer to brainstorm. And admittedly sometimes someone in grief just needs you to be there to listen. A friend once said we are given two ears and one mouth to listen more than we speak. Something good to remember.
Develop options or come in with some ideas… and no expectations—the family can say yes or no—whatever they need to say. Maybe offer to take kids for a day or have a pool party, might be welcome. Additionally, I think it is helpful to talk about the elephant in the room. If the mom who died always had a pool party, and the family wants to do that again, talking about the fact that mom isn’t there is okay. Perhaps there is a way to honor that mom and do an activity—like planting a pot of flowers in her memory beforehand or playing her favorite water game of Marco Polo in her honor. Talk about that elephant. Don’t let it overpower the room.
So often it is said “If you need anything” well intentioned. But sometimes a griever may not know what they need or even what they actually have energy for! So as a supporter we can give concrete examples that match your capacities and you can let us know what it is as the griever. So what can I offer that matches your needs?
Maybe I can offer to carpool to sports or I’m free Wed nights for whatever you need or I’m a good listener if you need to vent. I will sit with you when you’re feeling down or I’d love to cook you dinner, or take the kids for the day, or wash your laundry, or even I am going to send my teen over to mow the lawn. , I’d love to take you out to dinner, or even just drop off a gift card so you don’t have to cook tonight. Make it personal “I know Ted loved going to the movies, so I’d love to take the kids to see the new Disney movie in his honor.”
For those of you who have experienced the death of a loved one and walked that journey. It is okay to say– ”I know in my grief it helped me to have someone who could just let me cry, so I can be that person if you need it. Just let me know” Allowing that to be okay and normal, is a really great gift.
Remember that whatever you do to help—follow the lead of the family. This is their grief journey and the best way to support a family is to simply be there for whatever it is they need.
When support and care are offered genuinely it’s a win/win!