In grade 2, my biggest worry was whether or not the caterpillars in our “Lifecycle of The Butterfly” project were going to turn into butterflies on a weekend we weren’t in class and I wouldn’t be able to see them hatch. I remember going to class on May 18th, 2010, and seeing some of the butterflies coming out of their cocoons and being overjoyed. I was so excited to go home and tell my mom and beg her to find Painted Lady caterpillars so we could do our own lifecycle of the butterfly project at home. After I got off the afternoon bus, I ran to my house eager to tell my mom about school – something that was pretty typical of me (and I still tend to do to this day). When I went inside, my mom seemed upset and told me my dads heart stopped working earlier that morning. I was really confused and didn’t understand what she meant, and kept asking her to just bring him to the hospital and have a doctor take care of him. It was not until my brother, who was 9 at the time, told me “Daddy died” that I understood what my mom meant and was able to cry and process my grief. My biggest worry then went from worrying about caterpillars and butterflies to worrying about my dad and grieving his death. I remember feeling all sorts of feelings once I understood what “dead” meant. I felt guilty I couldn’t help him; angry and sad that he wouldn’t be at my First Communion in a few days; confused about where he is; and sad that I wouldn’t see him again.
Grief affects everyone differently and can change throughout our lives – and I have definitely noticed that within the past few years. When I was younger, I would often have nightmares and dreams about missing my dad, but it would mostly come in bursts. The worst part for me was when it would come time to make fathers day gifts in class, and I had to figure out what I was going to do with my gift. Often, I would give it to my grandpa or one of my uncles, but I always wished I could just give it to my dad.
As I got older, I started noticing other people’s relationships with their dads more and envying what they had. I would feel sad when I saw my friends with both of their parents, and I started to get jealous when my friends would talk about how amazing their dads were and how much they loved them. The older I get, the more I realize that the hardest part has been recognizing the permanency of my dads death and all the things we did not get to experience together – my high school and university graduations, meeting my boyfriend, family holidays – as well as future things he will not be there for – graduating from my Masters, getting married, having kids, getting my first adult job and so much more.
Although my grief journey has been long and filled with ups and downs, there are many things that have helped me throughout my journey. My brother and I both participated in a bereavement program in Canada, and I still use lots of the techniques that I learned there, like letting out my emotions, talking to people about my grief, practicing square breathing, and keeping a memory box. Being able to share memories of my dad with my mom, brother, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins has been an amazing way to keep his memory alive and to build a relationship with him even after he died. Growing up, my family would always talk about my brother and I being spitting images of my dad, and I really notice it nowadays – from his quirky sense of humor to his love for skiing and cooking, my brother and I have lots of personal traits that we hold near and dear to our hearts to remember our dad. Although it’s been over a decade, I still think about my dad every single day and know he’s stopping by to say hello anytime I see a Painted Lady butterfly.
Ever since the death of my dad and navigating my grief journey from such a young age, I knew I wanted to help other grieving children. Being a kid is hard, and being a grieving kid is even harder! I wish there was some sort of easy fix for grief, but the truth is that it is a lifelong journey that never ends – and that’s okay! There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and no one path that you need to take during your grief journey – all ways of grieving are valid. I want grieving children and families to know that they are seen and cared for. It is important to practice self-care throughout your grief journey, find people who support you, and reach out when you are in need. Nobody should grieve alone, and we are all in this journey together.