Experiencing the death of a loved one is hard on anyone, but for children, it can be especially confusing and overwhelming. So, how do we involve them in the funeral process in a way that feels supportive and age-appropriate?
It’s important to remember, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to funeral planning and engaging your children in the process. Many caregivers grapple with how to involve their children in the funeral process, and the truth is that every child is unique. Their needs and understanding of death will vary based on their age, development, and their relationship with the person who died.
When you’re walking through the funeral planning process and looking for ways to engage your child or children in it, here are some things to consider:
- Honesty is key. Children are incredibly perceptive. Be honest and open about the death, using age-appropriate language and avoiding euphemisms. Explain what has happened and what is happening in a way they can understand.
- Allow for questions. Use silence to make space for your child to ask questions. Sometimes, when we stop talking, it opens the door for our children to share with us the things that are on their minds.
- Offer choices. Give your child a sense of control by offering choices about their participation in the funeral. Make sure these choices are within your comfort level. Do they want to attend the service? Would they like to help write a eulogy or choose a song to play or sing?
- Create a safe space. Let your child know it is OK to express their emotions, whether it is sadness, anger, or confusion. Provide a safe space for them to talk, cry, or ask questions without judgment.
- Prepare them for what to expect. Briefly explain the different parts of the funeral, like the service, viewing, and burial. This can help reduce anxiety and fear of the unknown.
- Focus on remembrance. Funerals are not just about saying goodbye, but also about celebrating the life of the deceased. Encourage your child to share their favorite memories, create a memory box, or draw a picture.
Remember, too, that the concept of “closure” in grief is often misleading. It’s not about neatly tying up loose ends but rather learning to live with the loss and carry the love forward. Let your child know that grief is a journey, and there is no set timeline.
Now, let’s address some frequently asked questions:
What if my child doesn’t want to participate? Don’t force it. Respect their decision and offer alternative ways for them to be involved or to memorialize their loved one. This could be something as simple as writing a letter or something like planting a memorial tree.
What if they ask uncomfortable questions? Answer their questions honestly and simply, using age-appropriate language. It’s OK to say you don’t have all the answers but assure them you’ll be there for them.
What if they become overwhelmed during the funeral? Have a plan in place in case your child needs to step out of the funeral. Identify a trusted adult who can take them out for a quiet moment or provide comfort.
Remember, you’re not alone in this. There are many resources available to help you navigate this difficult time including grief counseling, organizations like SandCastles, and books for children about death. Don’t hesitate to reach out for support.
By involving your children in the funeral process in a way that feels right for them, you can help them begin to heal and create lasting memories that honor the life of their loved one.