Grief is a universal experience, yet it remains a deeply personal and often isolating journey. When faced with the death of a loved one, words can feel inadequate, making us unsure of what to say or do. The National Alliance for Children’s Grief (NACG) has launched the “Flip the Script” campaign this Children’s Grief Awareness Month to raise awareness about the impact of our words on those who are grieving. As a member of the alliance, SandCastles is partnering in this campaign to spread the word about this important topic.
The campaign encourages us to rethink common phrases and clichés that may inadvertently cause more pain than comfort. So together, we advocate for a more empathetic and supportive approach, emphasizing validation and understanding.
What Not to Say:
- “I know how you feel.” While empathizing with the griever is important, it’s also important to recognize that grief is unique and personal. No two people experience death in the same way.
Instead of claiming to know their feelings, you can say something like, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now, and I’m here for you.”
- “You should be over it by now.” Grief doesn’t follow a timeline. It’s a process that unfolds at different paces for different people.
So, instead of imposing expectations, you can say something like, “Take your time to grieve. There is no right or wrong way to feel.”
- “At least…” Statements starting with “at least” often minimize the pain of loss.
So, instead of using “at least,” focus on acknowledging the loss without comparing it to others. For example, instead of saying, “At least they lived a long life,” say something like, “They were a special person who touched the lives of many.”
- “They’re in a better place.” While this phrase may be meant to bring comfort, it can invalidate the griever’s feelings of loss and separation.
So, instead of focusing on the afterlife, focus on the impact of the loss in this world. For example, you can say something like, “They will be deeply missed by all who knew them.”
- “Be strong.” While this phrase is meant to encourage, it can put pressure on the griever to suppress their emotions.
Instead of telling them to be strong, you can say something like, “It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused. You’re not alone in this.
And finally, here are some additional things you can say to someone who’s grieving when you aren’t sure what else to say:
- “I’m sorry for your loss.” Simple words of sympathy can go a long way in acknowledging their pain.
- “I’m here for you.” Let them know that you care about them and are available to listen or help in any way you can.
- “What can I do to help?” Offering specific assistance, such as running errands or providing meals, can be more helpful than vague offers of support.
- “Your loved one would be proud of you.” Acknowledging their resilience can be a source of strength during a difficult time.
- Talking about the person who died can be a source of comfort and connection. You can offer a space to the griever to share a memory of their loved one or reminisce on the special times they shared together. You can prompt this by sharing a special memory that YOU have with the person who died. There is a lot of power in saying the person’s name out loud.
Remember, the most important thing is to be present, listen without judgment, and offer support without imposing your own expectations on their grief process. By flipping the script, we can create a more supportive and compassionate environment for those navigating the difficult path of grief.